HOW TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS

Words Matter

The holidays can be stressful as we add extra events to our calendar. Adding to the stress are increased expectations that are not always explicitly communicated.

Holiday stressors may cause us to revert to different communication patterns that are anything but festive.

The following survival tips can help you sound more like grateful Tiny Tim and less like miserly Ebenezer Scrooge.

TIP #1: Show gratitude.

Tiny Tim from the classic Dickens “Christmas Carol” reminds us to maintain a mindset of gratitude, no matter how difficult our circumstances may be. Keep “Thank you” on the tip of your tongue and top of mind.

Show gratitude to the family member who values being together and is hosting a meal (even if it is on the same day your favorite team is playing). Offering a generous “thank you” in tangible ways when your server does not expect it can make a huge impact. For example, I often leave a note affirming things I appreciated about my server and will increase the tip amount to further reflect my appreciation.

Someone recently told me they have been tipping the person at the drive through window to thank them for showing up to work during a time when it’s difficult to retain employees.

When I encounter a sales person  berated by hostile customers, I try to counter those negative messages with positive ones by letting them know I appreciate how difficult their job must be and thanking them for keeping the line moving so quickly and for being kind and professional in the midst of chaos and pressure.

To incorporate a gratitude mindset, Heather Craig, positive psychology expert suggests a daily practice of noticing the everyday things you can appreciate, focusing on what is new in your life, and making others the object of your gratitude by letting them know you appreciate them.

Showing your gratitude for someone else affirms that individual. They will be grateful in return. As you practice showing gratitude, you can strengthen relationships.

TIP #2: Communicate expectations.

One holiday stressor comes from the pull from different people who add things to our schedule. For those inclined to make everyone happy, it’s difficult to decide whose interests to serve.  Do you attend the holiday party your co-workers planned or attend a family event that has become a tradition but is not well-attended?

You might try reframing the question. Instead of asking, “What should I do to make everyone happy?” ask “What do I need?” This may seem a little selfish, but when your needs are met, you will be at your best for what is most important. Taking stock of how much time and energy (both mental and physical), is much like reviewing your bank statement. You can’t spend what you don’t have, so budget how you allocate your time and energy.

After you know what your limits are, communicate your expectations. If you choose to go to the holiday party but need to set time limits, communicate with the party planner. Be sure they know you appreciate all their work. Explain that you are looking forward to attending but will need to arrive later. Communicating expectations relieves you of the pressure to meet someone else’s expectations. It also affirms your loyalty, and creates a model others may follow.

You might be thinking, “What about that traditional family gathering you ditched to attend the work party?” Communicate early that you won’t be able to attend this year. You can explain that you value time together, and you will be intentional about spending time with loved ones.

Giving early notice that you can’t attend will help them adjust their planning. Your explanation will affirm your desire to identify with the family and continue tradition. 

Communicating your expectations forces you to consider your priorities and limitations.

TIP #3: Expand holiday traditions.

Millennials initiated an expansion to the traditional Thanksgiving Day celebration with the creative invention of “Friendsgiving.” It gives us a reason to celebrate with friends the traditions of dining together, openly giving thanks for people or events in our life and engaging in or watching our favorite games. Those of us who have embraced this new tradition have experienced the benefits of strengthening relationships important to us.

As circumstances in your life change (a child moving away who won’t be home for the holidays, the loss of a loved one who was the catalyst for gatherings, or health concerns that deem social distancing a necessity), be open to celebrating in different ways.

Additionally, as we become more connected globally, learning about other holiday traditions can help us be more inclusive.

TIP #4: Speak with kindness.

No matter which holiday you observe, a common denominator of each is to promote peace. We may not be able to end a war with one word, but many have begun with a few terse remarks.

Such remarks have started family feuds and wounded relationships over controversial conversations. We need to remember that words matter. This should prompt us to acknowledge the thoughts, values, and beliefs of the other person as important as our own.

It’s ok to enjoy a good debate. You can even spar, claiming a position you don’t hold, to explore different perspectives, but don’t criticize your opponent for their position. Don’t insist that you are right, and they are wrong. It is more helpful to learn why their position differs from my own. You can then offer reasons to help them understand your position. Expert on how to change habits, James Clear, explains that “facts don’t change our minds, friendship does.”  When the goal of our conversation is to maintain or strengthen the relationship, our words will be kind and respectful.

In contrast to Tiny Tim who enjoyed the wealth of supportive family and friends, Ebenezer Scrooge enjoyed the comforts material wealth brought, but his words spurned the possibility for supportive relationships. Fortunately for this fictional (perhaps metaphorical) character, when his mindset shifted from greed to gratitude his words and actions changed. He used his words and wealth to promote peace, support his community, and build lasting relationships.

May you not only survive the holidays but find ways to thrive this year.

Do you have a story about how you have used one of these tips to survive the holidays? Please share in the comments below.